| What do I do? |
[21 Nov 2009|09:42am] |
What do you do when your best friend, someone who I still hold closer to my heart than you could imagine, what do you do when her own mother wants to give up on life and slowly starve herself to death? I guess to understand the situation you would have to know why she is even giving up in the first place. Over a year ago on the same day her mother had a stroke and my father had a heart attack. Well my father recovered and is well, but her mothers stroke left her fully paralyzed on the right side, and is unable to fully speak and say the things she wants to say. The reason why hers affected her so much is because not only did she have a major stroke, but also around five pin strokes. Since then with much therapy she has gained so much independence, she can walk again to a certain extent, we can usually figure out what she is trying to say, but I can't even begin to imagine how tired she must be.
Saturday night she wanted to get better and go out Sunday.
But something happened Sunday that has drastically changed her outlook on life. They believe she had a random seizure(sp) and now all of a sudden she is refusing pretty much everything, food, water, medicine, INSULIN! I understand that she is tired, but for her to give up? This is so unlike her mother. She is the strongest, most determined and independent person I have ever met in my life. This whole situation has brought me and my best friends so much closer together but at the same time I feel so numb to everything in the world.
I just worry so much not only for her mother, but for her and her family. It's so hard to see someone you love so much just wither away (which I still don't quite understand, I thought you couldn't have any sort of assisted death which is what this seems like to me since the hospital is letting this happen and won't intervene)
I just have not had anyone else to talk to about this. It has been eating me alive. I'm just so scared and I feel so helpless, like I can't do anything to make this situation any better. I just try and keep everyones spirits uplifted and I can only hope and pray that she comes out of this, because she is perfectly healthy, just very very depressed.
I just don't know anymore.
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| Yesterday |
[26 Sep 2009|01:16pm] |
Yesterday was the best day ever, seriously. So....what happened you ask to make so amazing? JULIETTE LEWIS IS WHAT MADE IT SO FUCKING AMAZING! So the venue I saw her in was sooooo tiny which makes it even more awesome. I was in the front row in the center (god I have bruises on my knees and my ears are still ringing but I don't care!) Ok so back to the front row. She has her two openers which were also really good too The Ettes and American Bang. BUT when she came out that is when the whole place went crazy. Well lets just say Juliette is so much more amazing live than anything in the whole entire world, and when keeps making eye contact with you and smiling cuz you know the words, grabs your hand three times and lets you even sing with HER, along with getting her setlist, getting a photo with her when I met her after the show and a fucking autograph where she wrote to me "Thanks for your beautiful spirit" (which I want to note she wasn't writing things out for other people!)
Anyway sorry I was documenting this down for me. Hands down best experience you could have when you meet your most favorite person in the world....
besides Shirley.
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[24 Aug 2009|11:30pm] |
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music |
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Push It-Garbage |
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I will be seeing Juliette Lewis at the end of September. Sweeeet.
But not Shirley. I WISH!
Atleast this can add to one more person I want to meet before I die.
Life is alright I guess, I work too much, don't live enough, however I learn more and more about myself everyday. I think I'm beginning to think better of myself, and not doubt so much. School starts back up soon, I'm excited, got all that drawing bullshit out of the way so now I can begin to pursue the things I strive to learn and PWN hahaha. Life.
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[16 Aug 2009|04:14pm] |
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Shirley Manson keeps me alive. I think she is the best.
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[28 May 2008|07:30pm] |
I may have mono, but I'm not dead yet.
Two weeks and some days left of school. I feel like there isn't enough time left in school to finish the things the teachers have assigned...especially with being absent so much lately from being sick.
Oh well I'll be okay. I just need to graduate so I can enjoy my summer before I start SCAD for sound design.
I seem pretty set.
Although sick I'm super happy with my life.
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| fingertips. |
[08 May 2008|10:52pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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I am going to SCAD.
It's final.
I don't even know what to think.
My life couldn't get any better.
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| Fallen World. |
[09 Jan 2008|10:50pm] |
I have made so many stupid choices in my life and for that I have paid the price but it still and never will give me back the time I feel like I wasted when I was not being the best person I could be. I still struggle with personal issues that I have been working on and hopefully people have been noticing. I cannot and will not live like that. By that I don’t mean I struggle with wanting to be the way I used to be, but more like I struggle with jealousy, trusting in someone, and depressing myself from stressing out and being negative. I have so many good things in my life that there truly isn’t an excuse for how I act and present myself. There are so many people that have it worse than me and all I can do is complain. I see other people around me that are even worse than me with the complaining and I give them so much crap for it. It really makes me angry to see someone like that because they are hurting themselves as well as others and they don’t even realize that. It makes me angry because they are being selfish and ridiculous. People can be so blind to their actions or the truth and I just urge everyone to open up their lives to the truth! People just don’t understand how ignorant they really are, but then they talk about how ignorant other people are. Give me a break. You’re a teenager but you need to face the facts. Sleeping around with people will probably get you an std somewhere along they way…so if you have been sleeping around you probably should go get checked out. The relationships you are in now probably aren’t going to last forever, because most people our age are just too young to understand what a real relationship is. Everyone is broke for the most part…so stop trying to make someone else feel bad for you if you still have your parents to give you money. Just go get a job or ask them…I mean they do love you! That is just no excuse to mooch off of everyone else. When you get a ride from someone it is common courtesy to give them gas money! Be honest and faithful. Don’t drink and drive! Do become the best person you can be by giving your all and doing the things you love. Be passionate about life and curious and open to what there is to come. Don’t give up on yourself…if you make a mistake it is not the end of the world. Choose your friends wisely and love as much as you can. Give as much as you can-be selfless. Don’t ever lie…it’s not going to help you out in the end. Love your parents and treat them well. You are their world even if you don’t know it. Talk to them, be their friend on top of being their child. They will be so proud of you no matter what you do and will become more understanding the stumbles you may have in your life. I could go on and on forever about things like this but I am going to stop here with one last final thing-find out what you believe when it comes to faith. Let the truth dissolve in your body. Open up to it. Don’t close it out. The future is always coming and the time is now to figure out these things in life.
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On a side note: life is amazing. I love my sister best friend. She is my world, my shining light. She is the upmost appreciated!
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| Change is a must. |
[23 Oct 2007|10:20pm] |
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I've come to a crossroad in my life, where my past is conflicting with the present and future, and I just have to let it go. My past is my past, and I know I messed up more than a lot of people ever will. Some of the actions and things that I did in the past are still with me today, and I've made a promise that they won't be there from now on...to myself, and to everyone else. I can't let others pull me down and then allow myself to pull down people I actually care about because of the situation. The excuses and lies are over. They are pointless and only hurt myself and others in the longrun. I've had a big huge leap tonight in my journey in life, and this time it is for the better. I'm not going to turn around and do the things I used to do. I'm not going to hurt or hurt others. It's disappointing and disgusting. For this reason I now have to gain back the full trust I once had with people which is a very hard task, but I've done it before with my mother, and if I can do it with her, I know I can do it with everyone else. It's just not worth it anymore to live like that. I'm not going to let myself lose people because of my ignorance and immaturity. I would like to apologize to all that I have hurt and may hurt in the future (if I just straight up tell you we can't be friends because it just isn't healthy for me) but please just realize that this is something that I have to do for me, in order to be happy, and help others and become the best that I can be. I know I screwed up, and there is no excuse, no one else to blame, nothing except for me, and I take full responsibility for the repercussions that have come about because of it, and I'm going to make damn sure that my time and my time with the people I love won't be wasted.
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| I feel a life story coming on. |
[09 Oct 2007|10:06pm] |
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mood |
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Ever since I was little I was a dreamer. I felt like even though I wasn't the popular one or the pretty one, that I would make it out there in the world, and not have to worry about money or love or anything like that. With every passing year I grew less fond of myself, and I've always constantly put my own self down for disappointing things I did and still do in my life. I've never been able to cope with stress, and it's usually the little things that get to me. I was the girl who always got picked at...asked if I was a boy, constantly being told I'm not good enough, blah blah blah. Now that I look at it though, that is what has made me so strong, yet frail at the same time. I seem to always be this but that...some form of an oxymoron. I don't want to be that though. I guess it's so hard to just live life without any worries when all you want is balance and perfection. That doesn't happen. It never will. I always push the people I love the most away because I just want to tell them everything that is inside of my head, but it usually just annoys them because half of the time it's pointless things to them...but to me it's everything. I'm tired of looking at myself and seeing my faults. It makes me feel like I'm one big complaint. Now with that said, I do accept who I am and what I've become, and I'm very happy with how much I've grown, but I'm still so far away from my ultimate goal. I don't want to upset or disappoint Shannon first off. I feel like I do something of that nature every day to her and it tears me apart. Yes, I do things for her, and yes I love her more than I could ever love anyone else in this world, but do I really act like that and show that to her? I don't think I do all of the time. Not trying to make excuses but I feel like if someone doesn't show me love or tell me that, I feel like they just don't. I need the reinforcement because I've been hurt with almost every friendship or relationship I've been in. I shouldn't punish someone because they don't think the way I do. It's not fair to them. Blame, complain, whine, excuses. Those are the things I must strive to overcome. God has put me on this earth for a reason, and I'm just now figuring that out. He put Shannon and I together as best friends for me to support her and to be there for her and grow with her, and for her to help me and guide me till we ultimately are walking together. I'm still two steps behind, but I want to catch up. I really want to go on a mission trip over the summer. I think that would just be so powerful to really be able to open up to the Lord and help others in their time of need. I feel like I am finally here on earth with a purpose, I'm a beautiful person with a great soul and I just need to let that beauty out.
I'm sorry for the major rant/vent, but for the first time in a while, I feel like I've got a plan.
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| I LOVE |
[05 Oct 2007|08:46pm] |
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Shannon Elizabeth Mericier. She will always and forever shine brighter than anyone else in the whole entire world. She's just about the only person that can put up with my crazy self, and I'd do anything in the world for my bestest friend!
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| Dreams. |
[26 Mar 2007|12:30am] |
I've had some really intense dreams lately that have left my mind thinking way too much, and my heart hurting because those dreams will never come true. I've been researching up on them, but haven't really found an answer, other than I hope they stop because in a way they are hurting my mental state, and my relationships with friends and people whom I'd like to be more than friends with.
I honestly just don't know what to do about this situation except deal with this one myself because I don't feel like freaking anyone out explaining to them what I dreamnt about.
Hmm here's several pieces of poetry I wrote years ago...but I'm always looking for them so I'm just going to post them here.
( Poetry )
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| dude |
[19 Feb 2007|10:25pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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I Want You-Rachael Yamagata |
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I'm tired of people making all of these whiny updates about how miserable their lives are. ONE IS ENOUGH! Most of the time people get annoyed when you do something like that...or think you are a pathetic loser which you most likely are.
I'm so glad I don't put up with people like that in real life....I just dissassociate myself with them....and I honestly can say I don't feel bad for doing so, because I don't like putting myself in a position where I feel others are going to bring me down.
This is why I am a bitch...and this is why I am part of the Dangerous Duo.
And I could give a shit less what you honestly think.
on another note
All is well with me and my life. I've got a girl who treats me well and makes me happy, so I can only hope the best.
What I hate and always will is knowing I'll never be as happy as I was when I was with her.
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| Fuck yes! |
[24 Dec 2005|10:16pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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Frou Frou |
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Add me bitches.
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